When I was in grade school, we had a staircase that led to two small computer labs. There I encountered my first situation that made me ask the question, what is suicide?

This area was in the gymnasium where we would spend our breaks, the second floor was a good place to hide.

During one of my lunches, I ran to the staircase and was stopped when I saw a group of older girls huddled together at the bottom of the steps. They all looked at me but what stuck to me was this girl in the middle crying her eyes out and bandages on her wrists, I bowed my head and ran away to look for my friends.

Is she okay? Why was she crying? Why did she have bandages on her wrist?

I asked one of my friends, she told me that there was a fad among the older girls where they would cut their wrists. A fad, that meant a lot of people were doing it then. It made me think, if it was a fad then why was she crying.

Soon rumors circulated that said girl was actually stopped from committing suicide. It made me wonder more if she was saved why was she crying.

Back then I already understood the word suicide, but not its reasons. I did not know nor understand the what and why of it but I know it was bad to take your own life. Why is it bad? I didn't know then and I still don't know now.

The Philippines' suicide rate is comparably low to the U.S. or Japan, but according to studies, there has been a steady increase over a period of 20 years. It was found in 2012 that as many as seven people took their life away in a day, roughly one person dying every three hours.

Yet along with this alarming changes, the stigma on suicide is still evident.

Stigma is defined as a mark that denotes a shameful quality in the individual. A mark of disgrace, a stain on a person's reputation. The society does well in stigmatizing suicide (well, mental illness in general). We easily are able to blame the person who decided to end it.

There are great hurdles that need to be jumped to understand what it is. These hurdles aren't only meant to be jumped by people that are directly affected. The stigma chases after those who had tried to commit it, those living with those who tried (may they have failed or succeeded) and even doctors.

It is so easy to say, they already know that it is wrong. They already know the shame this will bring upon. Why do they do it?

Why indeed? I myself has entertained the idea of living this world early.

Sometimes the ideas come as soon as I open my eyes or before I close them to rest.
Sometimes the ideas come while I sit and work on projects.
They pop out, then they are gone for a minute then pop out again.

If you share these thoughts with anyone, they will get mad. I've been told off by my close relatives time and time again, "Itigil mo yang kalokohan mo. Hindi nakakatuwa!" (Stop this nonsense, it's not funny.)

I understand that they fear death coming too early, but I hope you see that this is not a joke. To anyone reading this right now who had told their children or anyone this, it is not a joke. Please don't just chuck it aside or give your generalized advice. It makes us mad because you didn't try to understand it and just decided this is what people do and so this is what you must do.

I have harmed myself more than once during panic attacks. Because the pain brings us back, it makes me feel in control in this out control moment. It is the real pain among these worries.

I can hear the chorus shouts saying, "If these are enough for you, why do people need to kill themselves? Why can't they just inflict small pains to calm themselves?"

Sometimes a bit of control is just not enough, everything is too much and we simply want it to end. The sweet allure of eternal silence becomes the one and only option so that they won't continue hating the world.

This isn't for everyone, but a small glimpse. The stigma that it is shameful to lose someone to suicide must end. The people who choose to do this is not a shame to your family, it is not because they are crazy, it is not because they want to hurt you.

They simply wanted the hurting to stop.

The fear of not being able to call out and ask for help because of the judgment that follows may trigger people to push further. Perhaps the next time someone taps you and says this hold their hand or give them a pat on the head.